Patience

Sometimes I don't feel like I have a lot of patience...especially where getting pregnant is concerned. Part of me just wants to give up. I know that not thinking about it, and not worrying about it, would actually increase my chance of getting pregnant, but...well, it's hard isn't it.

At least it is better than when I only had one child and had a hard time getting pregnant. And of course, at times I think to myself, hey, at least you have two beautiful children to be really grateful for...and I am, believe me.

Is it wrong to have the desire to feel a baby move inside my belly...to see a little heartbeat on an ultrasound screen? Is it wrong to want to hold a newborn in my arms and feel them snuggle into me? *sigh* It just hurts sometimes you know? Women that get pregnant easily, women that just shrug it off, women that...choose other paths for their children that don' t include life, I have issues with that. And yet, being this way, it gives you an inside look, a view at the pain of not having any kids at all.

Seeing pregnant women isn't hard like when I only had one child. When I only had one child and I wasn't pregnant, just going for a doctor checkup was painful. Seeing women in all phases of pregnancy...it was hard. Now, I see them, and I think, gee, I wish that was me, but I'm glad they are pregnant too. I guess in a way it makes me that much more happy for people I know that ARE pregnant, and were told they could never have children, or the likelihood was slim. How could I not be happy for them? I REJOICE for them. I can't even begin to tell you the joy that I feel in my heart for them...because at least a small part of me knows...exactly what it feels like.

At least there's always next month right? And who knows, maybe this month, will be that magical month.