Mock Twilight Script

This was origionally posted on MSN, and I thought it was absolutely hilarious!! I'm guessing it was written before the movie was released, but it just makes it more funny to read it after the fact. It's a mock script that kind of pokes fun at the Twilight movie.



We re-imagine the dialogue for "Twilight"

by Martha Brockenbrough
MSN Movies

We don't know at this point what the "Twilight" movie is going to be like. But we've wondered. Oh yes, we've WONDERED.

Will Edward the vampire have sparkly skin like he does in the book?

Will Bella the high school ingénue come across as pathologically needy and insecure on screen? Will she trip on the carpet and break lamps and things? How many times will she have to make dinner for her dad?

Most of all, will all the vampires be as gorgeous as author Stephenie Meyer describes them? Will we drool, weep and rashly break up with our normal looking significant others?

Oh, the sweet agony of waiting. It's worse the weeks before Christmas because, aside from the trailers, there's no way for us to peek at our presents.

And so, bravely, we make this foray into the "Twilight Zone," where we take photos from the movie and reveal what the characters are really thinking, based entirely on their over-the-top behavior in the books and our own fertile imagination.

Enjoy.............................................................................................




BELLA: So did you do the chemistry homework?

EDWARD: Like, 100 years ago.

BELLA: No, seriously. Quit making jokes about our age difference. I have to do my homework before I go home and cook my dad his dinner.

EDWARD: You are a magnificent flower and the sweet cherry atop my life's sundae. Marry me and your life will be distilled bliss, for I do not eat food that requires cooking, and I am rich enough that your chemistry grade matters not a whit.

BELLA: Um, let's not talk about what you eat.

EDWARD: Your wish is my command, fragrant blossom.

BELLA: I don't understand how you can say that. I'm just a plain, awkward girl who needs to strap herself to the commode so she doesn't fall off. Accident-prone is my middle name.

EDWARD: I will sneak into your bathroom and offer my steady, marble-like arms as your supports. No harm shall come to you, my pet.

BELLA: OK, but you have to be really quiet about it and stuff, because my dad is, like, the police chief and even though he can't cook his own dinner, he will totally OWN your undead badonkadonk if he catches you.

EDWARD: (Laughs) Did you just see that? I sprinted to the end of these mossy rocks and back in less time than you took to say badonkadonk.

BELLA: Kiss me unchastely, you sexy beast.

EDWARD: Let's do your chemistry first, and then we shall go for a ride in my Volvo.

BELLA: See? I am ugly. My vampire boyfriend doesn't even want to neck.

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LAURENT: Hey, did anyone lose a baseball? We found one about ten kilometers back.

JAMES: And we'll totally trade it for that klutzy-looking brunette standing behind home plate. Hello. Anyone?

VICTORIA: Told you they wouldn't go for it, James. They're obviously having too much fun playing with their food.

LAURENT: You mean you're not planning to eat the human later?

JAMES: You're crazy! Have you smelled her? I would totally eat that!

VICTORIA: James, I'm standing RIGHT HERE.

JAMES: What if we ate her together?

VICTORIA: I could go for that.

LAURENT: Oh, you two... How is it that I am the only single vampire here? Everyone's seen my abs, right?

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ROSALIE HALE: Ugh. There she is, that human brat Bella, with her scent that my fake brother Edward finds so darned irresistible. She will be the death of us all with her clumsy ways and noisy, American-made truck. Why can't she find herself a nice, human boyfriend? There are certainly a horde of stinky ones gathering around her, like flies to honey. Where is my Emmett? I must go to him so we can kill a wild animal together and drink of its blood. If I still ate, that silly human would make me want to puke.

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EDWARD: What happened to your ears! Did someone hurt you, my love?

BELLA: What? I can't hear you. I'm wearing my earbuds and rocking out. Have I told you today that you are gorgeous? Your torso looks like it's carved from marble. Who cares that your skin's so cold I have to wear a blanket when we snuggle? You're yummy!

EDWARD: OK, if you can't hear me, then I will whisper the words I've longed to utter for a century. I love you. Love, love, love, kissy, kissy.

BELLA: Um, Edward, I was just kidding. I can still hear you when I have my earbuds on.

EDWARD: I meant every word of it. You are the sweet love of my life. My nostrils flare to embrace your intoxicating scent.

BELLA: Do you have any Tic Tacs? I feel like I should, I don't know, eat a breath mint or something. We're going to kiss soon, right?

EDWARD: I fear my passions will overwhelm me. Let us just hold hands and take another ride in my swift, swift Volvo.

BELLA: Can't hear you. Earbuds.

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EDWARD: Yes, this is a vintage Members Only jacket. You know how you weren't born yet in the '80s, Bella? I was. In fact, I was an 80-year-old man trapped in the body of a 17-year-old vampire. I wear this ensemble without irony. What'd you say? You asked if was I in high school then, too? Indeed I was. I am repeating high school because when you're as good looking as I am, high school is fun. It's amazing to me how people in Forks haven't noticed. No, Bella. No, of course not, my pet! Of course you're the first girl in my life I've ever kissed. Yes, you're pretty. Bella! BELLA! Come back!

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BELLA: I like this jacket a lot better.

EDWARD: I will burn the other and sprinkle the ashes in the four corners of the Earth, so that it never offends you again.

BELLA: You're amazing.

EDWARD: You're amazing.

BELLA: No, you are.

EDWARD: I said it first.

BELLA: No, actually, I did. Just look at the transcript.

EDWARD: You're right, my alabaster fairy. Would you mind scooting away from the waterfall? You're making me nervous.

BELLA: So are you saying I'm clumsy? I knew it. You couldn't possibly love me. You are like a god and I am an adolescent head case.

EDWARD: Shh, love. Don't talk. Let me carry you on my back as though you were either a toddler or a sack of potatoes. Then we will ride in my Volvo and not engage in any carnal activities whatsoever.

BELLA: You're amazing.

EDWARD: No, you are. (Repeat...)

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JAMES: OK, see, when I force you into the light? Your skin is definitely sparkly.

EDWARD: Oh, and you are laboring under the illusion that you yourself do not glisten like a little girl's toy pony?

JAMES: I'm nowhere near as sparkly as you, you prig. Look at my hands. I haven't washed in weeks. It definitely tones down the gleam.

EDWARD: I can't really see your hands, not when they are wrapped around my windpipe. Do you mind releasing me a moment, so I can more fully appreciate your skin-care technique?

JAMES: Not a bit. Check it, dude. Pure filth. It masks my scent so when I am tracking humans, like your delicious girlfriend, all they smell is 100 percent animal stink.

EDWARD: Psyche! I will now slam your body into this mirror with total disregard for the fact that breaking it will cause me seven years of bad luck which will start immediately in the sequel to "Twilight."

JAMES: Sequel?

EDWARD: Yes, you moron. Even though there are people who travel to rinky-dink Forks to see Bella's house and purchase uniforms worn by the local cheerleaders, we are all as fake as Nigerian banking chain letters.

JAMES: My life has no meaning. Slam me into the mirror, please.

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EDWARD: I will now use my superhuman strength to slam you against the mirror!

JAMES: Oh, the pain! I love it almost as much as I want to drink your girlfriend's blood! But for now I will satisfy my urges by breathing my undead breath all over your pretty face! Do you smell that, loverboy? It is the blood of a human being I just ate as a snack! HAAAAAAHHHH!

EDWARD: It's not working. For you see, I do not actually need to breathe, and if I do not breathe, I cannot be troubled by your odiferous oral issue.

JAMES: Nobody likes a smarty pants.

EDWARD: And nobody likes a vampire who doesn't floss. You should see the condition of your molars, you dastardly cur.

JAMES: Are they really that bad?

EDWARD: Well, I'd stay away from taffy and from people with really thick necks. You never know what's going to happen.

JAMES: Thanks, dude.

EDWARD: Now, die! For the sake of true love, die!

JAMES: At this point, I'd love nothing better.

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ALICE: I predict Bella is NOT going to like this picture.

JASPER: Yeah, baby. Edward's hair is totally weird in it. And his posture is definitely less than godlike. But I will use my mind powers to calm her down.

BELLA: I know Edward means well, but when he holds my hands behind my back like this, I sort of feel like I'm being arrested and being arrested reminds me of my dad, and when I'm standing right next to my boyfriend, I don't really want to be thinking about my dad and handcuffs, you know? It just doesn't feel right.

EDWARD: She is so wobbly! If I weren't holding her like this, she would fall over. Do you think she has an undiagnosed inner ear infection? Carlisle could prescribe some antibiotics. I will ask him to do so immediately. Otherwise, Bella might die and then the rest of my immortality would be a prison of sorrows.

ROSALIE: I wonder if Bella knows that her brown jacket isn't all that flattering. It makes me angrier than my perpetually empty womb to look at her.

EMMETT: Rosalie saved me from death by a bear. Is there anything hotter? Man, I've got to get her into the woods again soon.

Twilight Movie Review

So, I generally pride myself on being able to distance myself from a book and look at the movie with a different perspective...I was unable to do that this time. I did not get the same "I totally love this" vibe from the movie.

I felt like Edward was portrayed...basically like a rude jerk face. It didn't endear me to him AT ALL. The logic part of my brain is sitting there going, what kind of teenage girl with any kind of self-esteem at all, would go after a guy after being treated the way Edward has been treating her?

And that, in a nutshell is the main reason why I had a hard time enjoying this movie. (you can all throw things at me now.)

This movie did make me laugh though. I felt like a lot of the parts were over-dramatized. Everything was sooooo...wow, talk about drama and angst and no engaging dialogue WHATSOEVER! I'm sitting there going...okay, that dialogue totally sucked lemons. And then I would bust up laughing.

So, I can understand how if this was how you viewed all the characters as you were reading the book, then I probably wouldn't have liked the book either. But, that's not how I viewed them. In the book my mind held on to the charming qualities of Edward and that overshadowed the angst he felt at being in Bella's presence. The movie totally focused on the angst...COMPLETELY.

So, you were left feeling like Edward was a total jerk instead of how he is described in the book...as being very charming. The character in the movie exuded a lot of anger...which, in the book really only comes out once, when Bella goes to Port Angelos and the guys are getting ready to attack her.

Out of all the characters in the movie, I think I liked Carlisle the best. Really. I mean, WOW, my cousin wasn't kidding when she said that he was eye candy. hehehe.

So, there it is. It's a decent movie. Not my favorite. It's a movie I will probably have to watch a few times to really get into and absorb and appreciate. This tends to be a quality that I have with some movies. I wasn't all that impressed with You've Got Mail, or Ever After when I watched them the first time either, and now I really like them. I can see that being the case with this movie too.

For all intents and purposes, I give this...barely 3 stars. Definitely wouldn't let little kids watch it either. I mean, Alice rips James's head off at the end of the fight scene, and not only that, looks like she is totally enjoying herself. GROSS! I saw people at the theatre with kids that were younger than eight, and I'm just sitting there appalled. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!

This is a teenager/adult movie all the way. My kids would have been screaming and then had nightmares that night. Aside from that, I mean, the whole movie is about a teenage girl falling in love with a vampire. Not exactly kiddie fodder.

Final Twilight Movie Trailer!!! WOWSA!

WOW. This final trailer just gave me goosebumps! I can't wait to see the movie!!!!

TWILIGHT MOVIE TRAILER!!

Twilight is coming!

Twilight's opening date got bumped up a few weeks! YEAH! Now it is going to open on Nov 21st! I guess that is the date that Harry Potter was supposed to open, but Harry Potter got bumped to next summer, so they put Twilight in the slot instead.

Movies based off of books...

So, my friend made an interesting comment the other day on my blog. I can see her side definitely, but I decided I needed to at least describe why I like to see movies based off of books.

I always think it is intriguing when people go to a movie that is based off of a book and try to compare it to the book. When I go see a movie I base it on itself. Did I like it? Did it flow well? Did I like the characters? Did I like the storyline? Did it leave me feeling somewhat good or was I disappointed?

When I went to see the new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" I knew it would be unfair to compare it to the old version.

The old version is a classic...still is, and I knew that while the new one might be good, it wouldn't even come close to the old one...it didn't, but basing it on it's own merits, it was still a good movie. I thought it was funny, a bit weird, but then Tim Burton's movies always are a bit on the odd side. What I really thought was interesting was when I read the book, and Tim Burton's was closer to being accurate than the original movie!

I know lots of people who have been disappointed when they go see a Harry Potter film and are just shocked and sometimes outraged at all the things that got left out. In my mind, I look at it and am amazed at how they can alter the storyline of a 500+ page book to fit a 2 hour timeframe and make sense. I think they do an awesome job.

Anne of Green Gables is a movie that I absolutely love and could watch over and over (I blame my sister for this...:) and yet, it is not a completely accurate rendition of the book. And yes, it completely floored me when I found out that the actress who plays Diana Barry has BLOND hair in real life!

So, now we get to Twilight the movie. I can't really defend the movie YET, since I haven't seen it, but so far it seems to be good. It took me a moment to get used to the idea of Edward being played by the actor who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter since I had always seen Edward with dark hair (even though in the book it says over and over that his hair is bronze..yes, I know this...). That being said, I think what I am looking forward to the most isn't how much it is like the book, but how well the writers and director make the story into a movie.

So, we shall see!

Twilight Movie Update!

I was looking at the Twilight Movie site and discovered that the director of the movie put a new post on her blog site today! Woohoo!

I also checked Stephenie Meyer's website and there is a contest going on, for her book release of Breaking Dawn in August.

If you win you get to fly to New York City, go to a concert, meet Stephenie Meyer, and get a signed copy of her book. Sounds like fun right?

I think that New York City would overwhelm me, so I am content to stay here in smallville. Aside from that, my chances of winning aren't all that superb. Now, if I was my mom, I would definitely do it. She has lucky dust on her fingers or something. Out of all the people in my family, she is the only one! Too bad it didn't get passed on.

A Twilight movie update...

So, before if you went to the official website of Twilight, all you saw was a picture of a forest with "rain" coming down, and then words would appear on the screen...nothing else. Well, tah dah, awesome news! The Twilight website is now up and running. You can watch the director clip, you can read the notes from the director, there are links to other sites, a synopsis of the movie. Definitely something to look forward too and keep you updated on the Twilight movie! Woohoo!

Twilight is going to be a movie!

I just found out yesterday that Stephenie Meyer's first book in her vampire series is going to be made into a movie! I am so excited! It will be interesting to see if the movie is anywhere near as good as the book.

Twilight Movie

The clips from this video make it seem like it will be awesome. I can't wait! I guess it is scheduled to come out in November/December 2008. Woohoo!!