I should continue the title phrase...10 things you shouldn't say to someone who has a hard time getting pregnant or had a miscarriage.
I decided this list was necessary for all those people out there who are trying to be kind and considerate...and well, not being as considerate as they should be, or by not really thinking about what they are saying.
So, here it goes. Mind you, these are just 10 things.
1. What, do you want us to feel sorry for you? You're just trying to get attention. (I know, this person was trying to be "funny" but so NOT funny. Someone actually said something like this to my friend who had just miscarried. I was APPALLED!!! If it had been me, I would have started crying.) People who have miscarried are GREIVING just like anyone would if they had someone they cared for die. Treat them with sympathy and respect.
2. Oh, it will be all right. You'll get pregnant soon, I'm sure of it. (While I know this phrase seems "nice," at that moment in time, it is certainly NOT all right, and how do they know that they will get pregnant again? They don't.)
3. Well, at least you have (insert #) kids already. (Okay, so if your child dies in a car wreck I should just say, "Well, at least you have three more left that you can grieve over if something happens to them...")
4. Don't sidestep the issue if the person wants to talk about their grief and frustration. (Women in particular have a need to talk things out and get the sad and frustrated emotions out in the open, and they may need to talk about it again and again and again.)
5. Don't act like nothing has happened. (Even if you make them cry, most people want to know that you know what has happened and care enough to show them that you care.)
6. If you become pregnant, don't wait until the last minute to tell your friend about it. (This only makes your friend feel like you couldn't tell them something, which makes them sad, and the whole cycle repeats. They may cry when you tell them, but if you are upfront about it, they will appreciate it a whole lot more then if you wait.)
7. If you become pregnant, don't tell your friend that you got pregnant six months earlier than you had planned. (One, this will only make your friend sad because, hey, any pregnancy would be nice, plus in a way, you are just flaunting the fact, albeit unknowingly, that YOU are pregnant whereas THEY are not...)
8. If you become pregnant, DO NOT under any circumstances, COMPLAIN about being pregnant to your friend, or say that you wish it had happened at another time, etc...(you have no idea how many women would trade you places in a heartbeat just to have the experience.)
9. Don't ask someone if they've tried infertility treatments. (This is a very personal and complicated issue. If they want to talk about it with you, then let them, but don't be the one to bring it up.)
10. Don't tell them you KNOW what they are going through. (Every person's experience is DIFFERENT. I really appreciated another friend that I had who HASN'T had a miscarriage or difficulty getting pregnant, not telling me that she couldn't relate, but merely saying...that would be so HARD. It meant a lot to me that she didn't try to just brush the experience away.)
So, you're wondering what you should do? Lots of hugs, sympathy and understanding.
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2 comments:
Amen! On this topic, I had a "friend" once who started to sell children's books. I hadn't seen her in about a year and we were randomly thrown together at some event. At the time she had two kids, and we were struggling with our newly found infertility. She asked me if I wanted to buy any children's books from her, and I thought I would open up and gently tell her that I wasn't intersted because I didn't know if I could have children. Instead of being sympathetic, she said, "Well, even if you can't, you'll still adopt, right? So some day you will need children's books. Are you sure you don't want any?" I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! I wanted to scream at her, "Thanks for your sympathy to my heart-breaking tragedy!! All you care about it getting your profit from your stupid books!" ::Sigh::
Right on! I think this post should be broadcast on the radio as a public service announcement.
I think the advice I would give to anybody with a loved one dealing with a miscarriage or infertility issues is from the Book of Mormon: "mourn with those that mourn". As opposed to "try to convince those that mourn that they shouldn't be mourning". It would make me SO MAD when people (with the best of intentions) would try to make it better by telling us something that they thought would make us realize that everything was all right.
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